why can't every choice be an easy one?
well, i know why.. but i don't like the answer. "then it wouldn't be a choice.. blah blah"
it sucks, it truly does. i want the people from there with the job here.
Dear diary,
Oklahoma is the smart choice. my head thinks staying in Oklahoma is the right thing for me. I have a job that i love, that i have a passion for. It's our baby. We made it and business is doing really well. I am so proud of Jan, Chelsea, and myself. It is a lot of hard work but we're doing it!
Nature is everywhere and it's beautiful. Not to mention, financially i can afford to live in Oklahoma. Chelsea and i collect ALL of our tips at the end of each day and put them in a fish bowl in the back. It's our "house money" We can honestly, a year from now, put that money down for a house and have a 3 bedroom home for $700-$800 a month. We could NEVER do that in California.
But my heart is in California. I miss it terribly. I'm comfortable there. That's my home. That's where i grew up. My family is there. My friends are there. I long for it.
I miss being able to go to the beach in the middle of the night.
I miss the people the most. My friends that were always there for me, that would hang out in a moments notice.
It's incredible how much i miss my family. I can't even help from crying now. This is the longest i have ever been away from them and the pain is consuming. I miss my mom and dad. my sisters..i miss just being with them, confiding in them, talking shit with them, and getting their advice (whether i asked for it or not) and i want it back. I want all of it back. Maybe that's selfish.
I want to be there for Shannon and her family. I want to be there for Nick. He really is my brother and i love him so much. I feel like i don't know what to do. How can i support them if i'm so far away?
The hardest thing about being away is those kids. They really get to me. It rips a hole right through me and i feel like i am falling apart. I have so many things i want to do with them. So many things i want to teach them. I don't want to miss out on their lives. Kea and Hoku are growing up into these beautiful creatures and i'm not there. Nicholas is getting so tall! He's my sunshine and i'm too far away to see him grow up. it kills me that he won't remember the same things i remember. That we're losing that connection we had. It is truly the most horrible feeling.
2 drags:
I totally understand. Remember what happened when I moved to Utah? Mom was going through chemo, Dad had a stroke and Shannon & Nick were separating. It was hell being away from everyone. I felt like there was nothing that I could do. Mom told me there was no point in moving back because there wasn't much I could do from home either.
I don't know anything about my nieces and nephew and it kills me that my kids don't know their cousins. If it weren't for my blog and facebook, you guys wouldn't know anything about my kids either.
You are where you need to be, sister. You are growing as a person and having experiences that you never would have faced while living in California. I am proud of you.
i thought i left you a comment before, but i dont see it so Ima do it again.
i know EXACTLY where you are cousin. MOVING away SUCKS! BEING away becomes more natural feeling. Does it pain me to miss every inch of each of those babies growth, YES, does it pain me to miss each new bright realization they have about life, YES, but do I want to become a hanger-on, stunt my own growth, no.
Living in NY while Kim was taking care of grandma while she was dying still smothers me with guilt when I think about it, but I had made my decision, I was living my life, and when asked by people what I was doing in NY I say that I was growing up. I credit my decision to stay moved for allowing more personal growth than most any other decision I've ever made. I think moving away from the comfort zone is a necessary evolution for some people. Are you one of those people? Only you can know, but if you need help, those that love you will be there to offer up what we can.
You are a STRONG and SMART woman! I have always liked the way your brain works, so think on it, and BREATHE!!
I love you cousin
Kristi
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