should i stay or should i go

why can't every choice be an easy one?

well, i know why.. but i don't like the answer. "then it wouldn't be a choice.. blah blah"

it sucks, it truly does. i want the people from there with the job here.

Dear diary,
Oklahoma is the smart choice. my head thinks staying in Oklahoma is the right thing for me. I have a job that i love, that i have a passion for. It's our baby. We made it and business is doing really well. I am so proud of Jan, Chelsea, and myself. It is a lot of hard work but we're doing it!

Nature is everywhere and it's beautiful. Not to mention, financially i can afford to live in Oklahoma. Chelsea and i collect ALL of our tips at the end of each day and put them in a fish bowl in the back. It's our "house money" We can honestly, a year from now, put that money down for a house and have a 3 bedroom home for $700-$800 a month. We could NEVER do that in California.

But my heart is in California. I miss it terribly. I'm comfortable there. That's my home. That's where i grew up. My family is there. My friends are there. I long for it.
I miss being able to go to the beach in the middle of the night.
I miss the people the most. My friends that were always there for me, that would hang out in a moments notice.
It's incredible how much i miss my family. I can't even help from crying now. This is the longest i have ever been away from them and the pain is consuming. I miss my mom and dad. my sisters..i miss just being with them, confiding in them, talking shit with them, and getting their advice (whether i asked for it or not) and i want it back. I want all of it back. Maybe that's selfish.
I want to be there for Shannon and her family. I want to be there for Nick. He really is my brother and i love him so much. I feel like i don't know what to do. How can i support them if i'm so far away?
The hardest thing about being away is those kids. They really get to me. It rips a hole right through me and i feel like i am falling apart. I have so many things i want to do with them. So many things i want to teach them. I don't want to miss out on their lives. Kea and Hoku are growing up into these beautiful creatures and i'm not there. Nicholas is getting so tall! He's my sunshine and i'm too far away to see him grow up. it kills me that he won't remember the same things i remember. That we're losing that connection we had. It is truly the most horrible feeling.

real-ization.

i've realized i haven't writen anything for quite sometime.

i've realized it doesn't matter because no one reads it anyway. i don't even think many of my friends know i have a blogspot.

i've also realized i don't particularly care. i'll write what i want, when i want.

i've realized facebook, twitter, myspace, and even blogger have given people, including myself, the delusion that people are interested in every aspect of our lives. while i love that i can stay connected with my family and friends that i never see since i've moved 1,200 miles away.. i seriously doubt people care about my status updates, what i did today, how i am feeling about the weather.
And it's addicting. Not only do i check my facebook account several times a day, oh no that's not enough. i have text messages sent to my cell phone when i receive comments and messages. it's sick. But i'm not stopping. None of us are.

We have created a "Profile" of ourselves. Everything we are, what we like, where we go, what we do, who our friends are, everything is on our page. All the good things anyway. What makes us who we are is still a secret. The sadness, loneliness, rage, depression, sickness, it's all hidden.
We show ourselves the way we want to be seen. We're all smiles in the most flattering pictures. All the fun and happiness our life is. We project who we want to be, who we want others to think we are. We put "who we are" out there in the vastness of the Internet hoping we can find approval, someone to "like" our status, an ego boost.

It's a fantasy we live when it seems that we are so socially active. When we so publicly write how we feel, what we are doing at this exact moment, when in fact, we are talking to ourselves.

do you know who i love?

Craig Ferguson.
i would sex him up six ways from Sunday.
[ who says that? me. ]
he's Scottish, and that's hott.
on top of being [excuse my language] fucking hilarious, he is charming, and devilishly handsome.
hopefully Shannon and i are able to get tickets for his show taping. that would be so incredibly awesome.

here's to you craig ferguson, you sexy, scottish beast. <3

the musical stylings of dora and stu

we'll call this choir practice... ya.

election day.

Today, November 4th, 2008 is my first Presidential Election and by far the most important in the history of our nation. I will not disclose my vote for President or any of the measures on my ballot, but i will simply say that i did my part.
As an American Woman i let my voice be heard. Women's Suffrage would have been in vein if we didn't exercise our right to vote. After a difficult [and many times dangerous] seventy year struggle to secure a woman's right to vote, in August of 1920 the Nineteenth Amendment was ratified.

"The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex."

If you are an American [18 or older] it is your responsibly to share your voice. Every vote counts. Cast your ballot and let your voice be heard!

"i wanna go fast!"

oh how i've missed three petals under my feet and a shift knob next to my right thigh. getting upwards of 30miles to the gallon. easily and swiftly maneuvering through cars to get to my destination three lanes over... and don't forget automatic windows and locks.
oh you tiny 1.5 liter engine. so light and fast. i'm so glad to finally have you back.


a few weeks ago, the Civic's computer took a shit. and the guy's a Craig's Automotive and my dad had the hardest time finding another computer that would match. the couldn't find a new one[because they aren't made anymore] and a rebuilt one would cost an easy $700 before installation. So in the meantime, i had the joy of driving Kelso [Becca's soon-to-be car] a green 1975 ford station wagon. Not the hottest car on the block but it could get me to school and to work without a problem. Plus it does have a sweet body style and it's nostalgic for me. i once had a 1984[83?] ford station wagon.
may it rest in peace.

But i finally got my car back yesterday. yaay! no more searching for parking spots at the mall that are big enough to park an R.V., no more dropping a gallon of gas every time i accelerate, and no more people cutting me off cuz of the looks of the car they don't expect it to be coming up behind them that fast.

Good bye Kelso, it was fun while it lasted [remember the "lovefest" hippie party with Katherine Allen] but my baby's home now. So off you go back to grandma's house to wait in the driveway for Becca to get her license.

mc donold's monopoly.

i wonder if anyone else is obsessed with this game as much as i am. i know i'm not going to win a big cash prize, but i can't help but get excited when i peel off those two tabs from my medium mr. pibb cup.
maybe this will be kentucky. the one i've been waiting for! and i'll win $10,000.
back to reality. i seriously doubt they make more than one of the last peice in a winning combination. and i'll bet 5bucks that that one winning peice of the $1 million is in someone's ashtray and they are completely oblivious that they are in possession of something that could change their life. [meaning my life] Idiot.

It's not as if i'm getting nothing from the pounds of lard i'm stuffing in my arteries .. i did win 25 coke rewards points [woo hoo?] and an hour of free wi-fi at mc donolds. seriously. one, i don't even have a laptop. two, who goes to mc donolds to hang out and surf the web for an hour!? ya. don't lie, you wouldn't either.

"hey dude. let's hang tonight."
"sorry man, i've got to finish my paper for psych"
"no problem, we can meet up with you later.. which starbucks are you going to?"
"oh no, i'm going to be at the mcdonolds on santa gerturdes."

cool guy.
i know i'm stupid for knowingly throwing my money away for a false cause, but i can't help it.

call me greedy, but i want that money.

my roadtrip photos.

beautiful lake tahoe

oakland [raider nation lol]






awesome san francisco














there were a bunch more. but they got all retarded when i tried to resize them.. so these will have to do.

say hello

to the ihop breakfast man.

he was born last year but i found his picture and it reminded me of good times.
oh yes, good times.

the san francisco treat.

Roadtrip! Before fall semester started and we had to find new jobs, my friend, Chelsea, and I wanted to go on an adventure and "find ourselves". So we decided we would go on a road trip. Our version of backpacking through Europe i guess. But instead of backpacking - driving & instead of Europe - California. Kind of a low budget film. So we emptied our bank accounts and 4 days later we were on our way up to San Francisco and Lake Tahoe.
Saturday morning we drove up the 101, the wind blowing through our hair [no a/c] and not a care in the world ["it sounds like my car's gonna blow up"]. After a long day's drive, we stopped in Petaluma and stayed the night with Shannon's friend, who was generous enough to share her food, couch, and pipe with us weary travelers.

The next morning we left for Lake Tahoe. It was exquisitely beautiful. I took some amazing pictures that i will post at a later date. Our hotel was a short walk from the beach, where of course i did get sunburned. We found a deli that made the most delicious breakfast sandwiches. And the boys there were mighty delicious in their own respect. :] so yes.. good times.

After a few days in Lake Tahoe we made our back to the bay area. We stayed at my cousin Alice's house. It was really nice to see her and her family and to catch up. Chelsea and myself followed Lance, Alice, her family, and two Chinese exchange students to the Oakland Temple.[Raider Nation lol] What a view from the top of that temple. And in the visitor's center was an absolutely moving display of and artist's sculptures of Jesus and his life.

On the way back from the temple, however, was less of a joy. I was pulled over by CHP. Nice, i know.. but wait.. it gets better. It was because i cut him off. Yes, you read that correctly. You see, i was following Lance and when he changed lanes, i followed suit. What i didn't know was that a CHP patrol car was going at least 100mph in that particular lane. So he pulled me over, taking several freeway changes to get to where he thought it best to have me pull to the side of the road. By then, i had long lost the white Suburban i was following at midnight in an area i had never seen before. So i pull over and the officer comes to my passenger window and asked, like the douche bag he was, "Where'd you learn to drive?" I responded without thinking, "L.A.?" [bad move steph] Luckily, with the assistance of innocence and sympathy i did not receive a ticket. But i did get a guilt trip.. "i had to apply my brakes.. what if i would have been a motorcycle?" [for obvious reasons i did not answer that question]

Onward to San Francisco! You know what sucks? Driving a stick shift in San Francisco.
Besides that, it was awesome! We walked to the pier and went on a bay tour. Gorgeous. And i got some great shots of the Golden Gate Bridge. It was truly amazing.
Chelsea's dad and stepmom were generous enough to make reservations for and treat us two nights in a row at very nice restaurants. One of the restaurants we went to was on our last night in town. It was a vegan place called Greens and it was beautiful, right on the water. We were seated at a large window facing the GGB. We had a gorgeous view of the sunset and a little friendly seal playing in the dock area to my right. It really was my favorite part. And our waiter was a cute, flamboyant sweetheart. We exchanged contact information with him and walked back to our hotel. Thighmaster, eat your heart out.. San Fran's crazy hills kicked my ass.

This trip, without a doubt, was one of the most memorable experiences of my life. To be able to pick up and go on an adventure was exhilarating and liberating. I am so glad i was able to experience that, so when i am older i can look back and say one of my best friends and I left on a whim, had a blast, and didn't come home until we were out of money. That's living your life.