should i stay or should i go

why can't every choice be an easy one?

well, i know why.. but i don't like the answer. "then it wouldn't be a choice.. blah blah"

it sucks, it truly does. i want the people from there with the job here.

Dear diary,
Oklahoma is the smart choice. my head thinks staying in Oklahoma is the right thing for me. I have a job that i love, that i have a passion for. It's our baby. We made it and business is doing really well. I am so proud of Jan, Chelsea, and myself. It is a lot of hard work but we're doing it!

Nature is everywhere and it's beautiful. Not to mention, financially i can afford to live in Oklahoma. Chelsea and i collect ALL of our tips at the end of each day and put them in a fish bowl in the back. It's our "house money" We can honestly, a year from now, put that money down for a house and have a 3 bedroom home for $700-$800 a month. We could NEVER do that in California.

But my heart is in California. I miss it terribly. I'm comfortable there. That's my home. That's where i grew up. My family is there. My friends are there. I long for it.
I miss being able to go to the beach in the middle of the night.
I miss the people the most. My friends that were always there for me, that would hang out in a moments notice.
It's incredible how much i miss my family. I can't even help from crying now. This is the longest i have ever been away from them and the pain is consuming. I miss my mom and dad. my sisters..i miss just being with them, confiding in them, talking shit with them, and getting their advice (whether i asked for it or not) and i want it back. I want all of it back. Maybe that's selfish.
I want to be there for Shannon and her family. I want to be there for Nick. He really is my brother and i love him so much. I feel like i don't know what to do. How can i support them if i'm so far away?
The hardest thing about being away is those kids. They really get to me. It rips a hole right through me and i feel like i am falling apart. I have so many things i want to do with them. So many things i want to teach them. I don't want to miss out on their lives. Kea and Hoku are growing up into these beautiful creatures and i'm not there. Nicholas is getting so tall! He's my sunshine and i'm too far away to see him grow up. it kills me that he won't remember the same things i remember. That we're losing that connection we had. It is truly the most horrible feeling.